Do you sometimes have negative feelings for your child? Perhaps this state of mind has taken steady forms and you certainly want to understand yourself. This article will help understand the causes of hatred of their own children and find ways out of this situation.
Hate - how is this emotion expressed?
Psychology highlights a few strong emotions that can grow out of their intensity and duration into feelings. One of them is hatred. The main characteristic of this emotion is its negative coloration. Hatred is an irresistible feeling of dislike for anyone or anything. It also represents disgust, rejection, denial of existence, hostility and similar manifestations. Hate, as a rule, does not occur suddenly. This emotion has previous states. For example, you one person has done a lot of bad, and with each of his actions a stable emotion called hatred is formed. This is a reaction to the violation of the internal boundaries of human comfort.
Such a negative emotion can not be creative. Hatred necessarily destroys something. It can be the calmness of a person, the balance of his inner world, relationships with loved ones and so on. This negative reaction may occur after some stimulus. Unfortunately, there are cases of hatred towards children. When these small creatures constantly violate the inner limits of calmness or balance, adults often do not control their reaction, allowing this emotion to be clearly manifested.
Can anger and fatigue from children be called hatred?
Are there mothers who hate their children? Each mother is familiar with the state of fatigue from her own babies. We, adults, are no longer so mobile, playful and noisy as our children. Spending his energy during the day at work, and then, in the evening, also at home, we often want after just sitting in silence so that no one will touch us. But with young children it is unreal. They constantly demand our attention, they want to play or work out, have fun with their parents, learn something new every minute and ask thousands of questions in a very short time. Naturally, this behavior of kids irritates adults.
But fatigue or anger is not identical to hatred. This negative emotion is so strong that it forces a person to act destructively. Fatigue or deserved anger at the child about his behavior does not imply any destructive action. The parent can adequately reason and make decisions. What can not always be said about hatred. It can not be without the output of a negative. Most often, hatred pushes a person to commit an action toward the object of this emotion. In relationships with children, this can be beatings (not any measures to punish, namely, beating), moral oppression, deprivation of vital objects or things, for example, when angry parents put their child on a chain, depriving them of food. To the general horror, there are also such situations in society.
Anger at the actions of a child should not cause moral or physical harm to his health. Parents are called to guide the behavior of the child, teach him to live in accordance with generally accepted norms. This should be done by acceptable methods in society, and not by actions that entail criminal liability.
Causes of hatred towards children
In medicine and psychology there is such a thing as misopedia. This term is of Greek origin and consists of two words - "hatred" and "child". It would seem that it is perfectly natural to love your child and feel to him only feelings that fill the soul with joy. But in reality it sometimes turns out otherwise. Often one can observe a picture when a mother screams at her child, can spank and "cuddle" with abusive words. And how often in our time does a psychoanalyst hear from a woman who came to the reception: "I hate my child. What to do?". What are the reasons for this behavior, where do these feelings come from?
All the problems that arise in adulthood come from childhood. If parents do not pay attention and care to their child, then write is gone. How can a person who does not know what this is like? Many women complain that they simply do not know how to show this feeling, they understand the mind, but the heart is silent. Lack of attachment and care leads to emptiness, and it is filled with hatred. That is, it originates from the time of the formation of childish offenses. They do not allow a woman to become a happy person and enjoy the feeling of motherhood.
Despotic behavior of parents, ridicule and various humiliating actions, self-employment, inattention to problems is a short list of reasons why a woman hates children, is irritated by her own behavior or does not want to have them at all. Recently, very often you can meet couples who say that without the kids they will be much more comfortable and better. There is even a whole direction in society that preaches the value and quality of life without children. It is believed that it is these adults who are prone to hate for children.
Another reason for the woman's assertion of "I Hate My Child" is dislike, lack of support from her husband and again of her parents (grandparents). In other words, mom remains alone with her problems. And the words "Mother should ..." do not help here. This often only exacerbates negative feelings. She needs support, she must also understand that they love her. Kids can not give it yet, they are kind of as soon as they demand it. This is the function of the husband, and it is he who must give his wife proper support. Among other things, the reason may be overestimated the woman's demands for herself, her thoughts about her inconsistency with the image of an ideal mother. As a result, hatred for the child and for itself arises.
Of course, not the last role is played by postpartum psychosis, which doctors and psychologists are talking about more and more in society. This phenomenon takes a separate place in our article.
How can the mother's hatred of the child be expressed?
In modern society, where very often talk about the rights of the child to Express negative to it is not accepted. So often people who hate children, is silent about it. Many are afraid to even admit to himself in such a domestic problem, and only a few say so openly. It can be argued that the mentioned problem is already half solved.
Hatred of the child is expressed in a sadistic approach to the child. This behavior does not necessarily take physical forms: you can cause pain in words, deeds. Many mothers are adamant in their "I said!", And it does not matter which request is behind it. Fathers often state: "A wife hates a child." They make such conclusions, looking at how she talks with her child, how she cares and forgives his pranks, what she allows, what she suppresses and how she does it - rudely or wisely, with love. Of course, educating children in permissiveness is wrong. But often there are requests for which it is possible and necessary to say "yes." However, mothers with a stubborn stubbornness, often surpassing their own child, say no. But this word is the negation of all being. "No" needs to be spoken, bypassing acute angles, explaining the reasons. The child learns to live, he can not understand everything and take faith at once from one mother's word. The mother is given to the kid for learning, she must help him grow up personality. This is her child, but it does not belong to her completely. The woman gave life, and already one realization of this destiny should console her.
Non-verbal expression of negative emotions
One way of expressing one's emotions by a person is non-verbal communication. Psychoanalysts recommend showing their negative feelings without closing them inside, but more cultivated. Do not read morals or shout: "I hate children!". Just tell your child what you think about his behavior, only in a positive tone. Do not believe it works! Add a smile. Threaten, but in a positive. Show the teeth, but with a smile. This will make it easier for you, and, surprisingly, the child will show a reaction.
Many negative words are simply not yet clear to him. In addition, increasing the tone is a weakness. And parents can not show it. Lower the tone, sharply change the voice to quiet. This approach will bear fruit, especially if the baby is accustomed to screaming. Constant increase of tone destroys, first of all, a woman, she seems to burn from the inside, and the child, at least, what. On the contrary, it seems as if the mother is specially taking them out. Therefore, the best way to change his behavior is a positive and quiet tone. Even if angry words are spoken, they will be heard sooner.
Postpartum psychosis - what is it?
Childbirth is a long-awaited event. How I wanted to have kids, family! And suddenly there is an awareness, which is expressed by the terrible phrase "I hate my child." This is a frightening, alien feeling, but it is so clearly present in the mind. The main thing is not to be silent. Or the neighbors need to notice it in time to bear it. Such a condition is considered a disorder of mental activity, and therefore requires qualified psychological and medical care. Postpartum psychosis can manifest itself in various forms. It can be both an easy and a serious form of frustration. A single cause of postpartum psychosis has not been identified, but often it is caused by hormonal disorders.
When a woman says "I hate my child," she should not be persuaded otherwise in different words. She just needs help and medical examination, talking with a psychoanalyst. Someone should take the main burden of caring for the baby, and the woman in childbirth should be given the opportunity to recover, consult with the appropriate specialists, and sometimes just relax. But in no case can one ignore such manifestations: the earlier the qualified help is rendered, the sooner harmony will ensue. Here is a brief list of the symptoms of postpartum psychosis at its neglected stage: appetite disorders, hallucinations (often auditory), abnormal thinking and violation of adequacy, manic, suicidal thoughts ... It is important to distinguish between postpartum psychosis and the emergence after the birth of a baby spleen. The latter usually takes place in two weeks. True, neglected spleen can develop into psychosis.
Particular attention should be given to what the woman giving birth says: her words can become a key to the cause of depression or hatred of the child. There are many grounds for this behavior, considering that every woman has her own story related to pregnancy and childbirth: one has recovered too much, although she did not want it, the other lost a good job because of pregnancy, the third one is a loved one, and marital duties. There are many other personal reasons.
What if there is hatred for one's own child?
- First of all, admit to yourself and say out loud: "I hate the child, but I want to love and be loved." This is the first step to understanding the problem, and therefore, to readiness to change the situation.
- To calm down, to go to the doctor and get tested for hormones, to visit a neurologist, neuropsychiatrist... This is strong recommendation because the common reason of such behavior are the elementary disorders of the nervous system, metabolism, brain blood vessels, hormonal. That is, there is a need to check their health, because it is the basis of mental state.
- Stop go eat and accept it as is. Tell yourself: "Yes, I hate the kid but this "I". And that "I" is ready to solve this problem." Yes, it is you, what is... And this is your child (children). Start with the fact that they just need to build normal human relations, in other words, learn to amicably coexist on mutually beneficial terms. Try it, at first forcing myself (a bit), to hug and kiss children, husband. Then you will get this is easier to do, then enjoy. Often the cries and irritation are a habit, that is the usual model of behavior and relationships. It takes time to deploy the wheel back. We are not talking about the fake emotions. We're talking about their transformation and Transfiguration of human nature.
- Untwist the thread of the events of his childhood, let go of grudges and forgive everyone. This is not a trivial thing and not the high word is the root of the problem. The idea of "hate the child" lies precisely there. Untie all the knots, release the breath, relax the mind and body as a whole. Give yourself permission to be happy, and it means – to love and be loved. Start to give, just do not expect returns immediately. It will come, not necessarily instantly, but it will happen with a probability of 100%.
Hatred of the child from the first marriage of the spouse
To love someone else's child is work. Especially when he lives with you, is next to every day. You see all his whims and antics, and in the shower anger and irritation begin to boil. And I want to teach this "sweet" child. A former (former) loved one gets up before her eyes, and jealousy somehow arises. And she, as you know, is a bad companion in life. If you see how the spouse (husband) indulges, comforts, or in every way pleases the child, then admit to yourself: you are jealous. And this is the disease that needs to be treated. The statement "I hate a child from the first marriage" has a reason for feeling jealous. And the relationship is built on trust and mutual assistance. Your second half is not so easy to exist between you, as between two fires. Do not try to forcefully imitate your motivation in upbringing, try to help in what your spouse is doing, take part in his (her) worries, understand how he (she) sees it. But make it clear that you can see the situation differently, and if he (she) will need advice, you are ready to share your opinion. It is not necessary to rush from an extreme to an extreme and to coax the child. Let everything go its course. Remain yourself, but without negativity. Remember: this is work, work on yourself and over relationships.
Negative emotions for all young children
Again we shall plunge into the childhood. The emerging statement "I hate other people's children" is akin to "I was not allowed to do this." This is a permanent ban at a tender age, the teaching to treat strangers with negative, rejection of someone else in general, that is, the absence of banal openness to the world that is formed in childhood. The opinion "I hate screaming children" is also from childhood. This fatigue from screaming, or, conversely, a consequence of the fact that the family was condemning such behavior of the child. In general, you need to relax and start living, breathing full. Look at the Greeks - the words "I hate little children" are alien to them. If another child is being squabbled in a cafe or other public place, then the surrounding people will not express their discontent in any way. On the contrary, everyone will rush to him, they will comfort him, take him in his arms, toss up and smile. The main thing is to smile.
The Way to Love
Any established emotion that grows into a feeling can not pass by itself, without a trace. Its manifestations need to be adjusted, to develop the opposite skills. After a long fruitful work, you can already forget that she occupied most of the personality manifestations. So with hatred: first, it is necessary to take certain steps to eradicate it from behavior and thoughts.
It is important to be positive. Hate always comes after frustration, envy, or pride. This is a terrible vices, which are condemned in many religions and is written in the Bible as sins. For education a positive you can try to play the game "Good". She is that person in any situation looking for a reason to celebrate. For example, noisy children playing in the room – well, they are healthy and can be active and exciting. The rain on the street – well, lay the dust on roads and watered the flowers. And similar examples. Of course, this "good" you need to look with the mind, and these noisy children and noses to break can afford. And then not all will be so rosy.
We saw that the mood for positive is important. What more needs to be done to overcome hatred? Try to develop a vector of emotions for this person: instead of destructive actions you need to do him good. This is any help or conversation with the goal of establishing a relationship. With a child, it's even easier to do than with an adult. Children often need our help, and this is a wonderful opportunity to express themselves and to move from their woeful thoughts to the needs and needs of a small person.
Many experts have noticed, when a person starts to think about others and do good, he becomes happier. Learn about the needs of the child to whom hate is experienced, know his inner world, and you will see how much there is beautiful. Then the words "I hate children" are unlikely to be relevant to you. Every person in our lives teaches us something, not an exception - and children. Perhaps, it is in the relationship with the child that you will learn how to love and become a happy person.