Sometimes experiencing negative feelings for a child? Perhaps this state of mind has taken steady forms and you certainly want to understand yourself. This article will help you understand the reasons for hating your own children and find ways out of this situation.
Hatred - how is this emotion expressed?
Psychology identifies several strong emotions that can grow in their intensity and duration into feelings. One of them is hate. The main characteristic of this emotion is its negative coloring. Hatred is an overwhelming feeling of dislike for someone or something. It also represents aversion, rejection, denial of existence, hostility, and similar manifestations. Hatred, as a rule, does not occur suddenly. This emotion has previous states. For example, one person has done a lot of bad things to you, and with each such action, a steady emotion called hate is formed. This is a reaction to the violation of the internal boundaries of human comfort.
Such a negative emotion cannot be constructive. Hate necessarily destroys something. This may be a person’s peace of mind, the balance of his inner world, relationships with loved ones and so on. This negative reaction may occur after any irritant. Unfortunately, there are cases of hate for children. When these little creatures constantly violate the inner boundaries of peace or balance, adults often do not control their reaction, allowing this emotion to manifest itself clearly.
Is it possible to call anger and tiredness from children hate?
Are there mothers who hate their children? Every mother is familiar with the state of fatigue from her own children. We adults are no longer as mobile, playful and noisy as our children. When we spend our energy at work during the day, and then, in the evening, also at home, we often want to just sit in silence so that no one touches us. But with young children it is unreal. They constantly demand our attention, want to play or work out, have fun with their parents, learn something new every minute and ask thousands of questions in a very short time. Naturally, this behavior of kids annoying adults.
But fatigue or anger are not identical with hate. This negative emotion is so strong that it makes a person act destructively. Fatigue or deserved anger at a child about his behavior does not imply any destructive actions. The parent can adequately reason and make decisions. What you do not always say about hatred. It can not be without the release of the negative. Most often, hate pushes a person to commit an action toward the object of this emotion. In relationships with children, these can be beatings (not any measures for punishment, namely beating), moral oppression, deprivation of vital objects or things, for example, when angry parents put their children on a chain, depriving themselves of food. To everyone's dismay, there are such situations in society.
Anger at the child’s actions should not bear moral or physical harm to his health. Parents are designed to direct the behavior of the baby, to teach him to live in accordance with generally accepted standards. This should be done by methods acceptable in society, and not by actions that entail criminal liability.
Reasons to Hate Children
In medicine and psychology there is such a thing as misopedia. This term is of Greek origin and consists of two words - “hate” and “child”. It would seem quite natural to love your child and experience only feelings that fill the soul with joy. But in fact, sometimes it turns out otherwise. Often, one can observe a picture when a mother shouts at her child, can spank and “caress” with abusive words. And how often in our times the psychoanalyst hears from a woman who came to the reception: “I hate my child. What to do?". What are the reasons for this behavior, where do these feelings come from?
All problems in adulthood originate from childhood. If parents have not given enough attention and care to their child, then write is gone. How can a man love who does not know what it is? Many women complain that they simply do not know how to express this feeling, they understand it with their minds, but their heart is silent. Lack of attachment and care leads to emptiness, and it is filled with hatred. That is, it originates from the time of the formation of children's offenses. They do not allow a woman to become a happy man and enjoy the feeling of motherhood.
Despotic behavior of parents, ridicule and various humiliating actions, self-employment, inattention to problems is a short list of reasons why a woman hates children, is irritated by her own behavior, or does not want to have them at all. Recently, very often you can meet couples who claim that without babies they will be much more comfortable and better. There is even a whole direction in society, preaching the value and quality of life without children. It is believed that such adults are prone to hate children.
Another reason for the approval of a woman “I hate my child” is dislike, lack of support from her husband and again, parents (grandparents). In other words, mother is left alone with her problems. And the words "Mother must ..." will not help here. This often only aggravates negative feelings. She needs support, she also needs to understand that they love her. The little ones can't give it yet, they seem to demand it. These are functions of the husband, and it is he who should give his spouse proper support. Among other things, the cause may be the inflated demands of a woman to herself, thoughts of her incompatibility with the image of an ideal mother. As a result, there is hatred of the child and of itself.
Of course, postnatal psychosis plays an important role, which is increasingly being talked about by physicians, psychologists, in society. This phenomenon occupies a separate place in our article.
How can mom hate for a child?
In modern society, where very often talk about the rights of the child to Express negative to it is not accepted. So often people who hate children, is silent about it. Many are afraid to even admit to himself in such a domestic problem, and only a few say so openly. It can be argued that the mentioned problem is already half solved.
Hatred of a child is expressed in a sadistic approach to the child. This behavior does not necessarily take physical forms: you can hurt with words, actions. Many mothers are adamant in their "I said!", And no matter what the request is behind this. Fathers often state: "The wife hates the child." They make such conclusions by looking at how she talks to the child, how she cares and forgives him pranks, what she resolves and what stops and how she does it - rudely or wisely, with love. Of course, raising children in permissiveness is wrong. But often there are requests for which you can and should say “yes”. However, mothers with firm stubbornness, often surpassing their child in this, say no. But this word is a denial of all being. “No” needs to be said, bypassing sharp corners, explaining the reasons. The child learns to live, he can not understand everything and take it right away on faith by one mother's word. Mother is given to the child for learning, she must help him grow into a personality. This is her child, but it does not belong entirely to her. The woman has given life, and already one awareness of this destination should entertain her.
Non-verbal expression of negative emotions
One of the ways a person expresses his emotions is non-verbal communication. Psychoanalysts recommend to show their negative feelings, not closing them inside, but more cultivated. You should not read morals or shout: “I hate children!”. Just tell your fumes what you think about his behavior, only in a positive tone. Do not believe it works! Add a smile. Threaten, but in a positive way. Show your teeth, but with a smile. This will make it easier for you, and, surprisingly, the child will react.
Many negative words are just still incomprehensible to him. In addition, an increase in tone is a weakness. And parents can not show it. Lower the tone, abruptly change the voice to low. This approach will bear fruit, especially if the baby is used to shouting. Constantly raising the tone destroys, first of all, the woman, she seems to be burning from the inside, and for the child at least. On the contrary, if he deliberately displays the mother. Therefore, the best way to change his behavior is a positive and quiet tone. Even if angry words are spoken, they will be heard sooner.
What is a postpartum psychosis?
Childbirth - a long-awaited event. How I wanted to have kids, a family! And suddenly there is awareness, which is expressed by the terrible phrase "I hate my child." This is a frightening, alien feeling, but it is so clearly present in the mind. The main thing - do not be silent. Or it is necessary for neighbors to notice this in time in labor. Such a condition is considered a mental disorder, therefore it needs qualified psychological and medical assistance. Postpartum psychosis can manifest itself in various forms. It can be both mild and severe form of the disorder. The single cause of postpartum psychosis has not been identified, but it is often caused by hormonal disturbances.
When a woman says “I hate my child”, she should not be persuaded in otherwise different words. She just needs help and a medical examination, talking to a psychoanalyst. Someone should take the main burden of care of the baby on herself, and the woman in labor should be given an opportunity to recover, consult with the relevant specialists, and sometimes just relax. But in no case can one ignore such manifestations: the sooner the qualified assistance is provided, the faster the harmony will come. Here is a brief list of the symptoms of postpartum psychosis in its advanced stage: appetite disorders, hallucinations (often auditory), abnormal thinking and impairment of adequacy, manic, suicidal thoughts ... It is important to distinguish postpartum psychosis and the blues arising after the birth of the baby. The latter usually passes in two weeks. True, the neglected spleen can develop into psychosis.
Special attention should be paid to what the woman in labor says: her words can be the key to the cause of depression or hatred of the child. There are many reasons for such behavior, given that each woman has her own history of pregnancy and childbirth: one recovered too much, although she didn’t want to, another lost her good job because of pregnancy, the third loved one, the fourth just got tired of and marital duties. There are many other personal reasons.
What to do if there is hatred for your own child?
- First of all, admit to yourself and say out loud: "I hate a child, but I want to love and be loved." This is the first step towards realizing the problem, and therefore, being ready to change the situation.
- To calm down, to go to the doctor and get tested for hormones, to visit a neurologist, neuropsychiatrist... This is strong recommendation because the common reason of such behavior are the elementary disorders of the nervous system, metabolism, brain blood vessels, hormonal. That is, there is a need to check their health, because it is the basis of mental state.
- Stop go eat and accept it as is. Tell yourself: "Yes, I hate the kid but this "I". And that "I" is ready to solve this problem." Yes, it is you, what is... And this is your child (children). Start with the fact that they just need to build normal human relations, in other words, learn to amicably coexist on mutually beneficial terms. Try it, at first forcing myself (a bit), to hug and kiss children, husband. Then you will get this is easier to do, then enjoy. Often the cries and irritation are a habit, that is the usual model of behavior and relationships. It takes time to deploy the wheel back. We are not talking about the fake emotions. We're talking about their transformation and Transfiguration of human nature.
- Untwist the thread of the events of his childhood, let go of grudges and forgive everyone. This is not a trivial thing and not the high word is the root of the problem. The idea of "hate the child" lies precisely there. Untie all the knots, release the breath, relax the mind and body as a whole. Give yourself permission to be happy, and it means – to love and be loved. Start to give, just do not expect returns immediately. It will come, not necessarily instantly, but it will happen with a probability of 100%.
Hatred of the child from the first marriage of the spouse
Loving someone else's child is work. Especially when he lives with you, he is close by the day. You see all his whims and antics, and anger and irritation boil in the soul. So I want to reason with this "sweet" child. Before the eyes gets the former (former) loved one, and one way or another there is jealousy. And she is known to be a bad companion in life. If you see how the spouse (husband) indulges, comforts or in every way pleases the child, then admit to yourself: you are jealous. And it is precisely this ailment that must be treated. The statement “I hate a child from my first marriage” has its own sense of jealousy. And relationships are built on trust and mutual aid. It is not so easy for your soulmate to exist between you as between two fires. You should not try to force your motives into education, try to help in what the spouse does, take part in his (her) worries, understand how he (she) sees this. But make it clear that you can see the situation differently, and if he (she) needs advice, you are ready to share your opinion. Do not rush from one extreme to another and appease the child. Let everything go on as usual. Stay yourself, but without negativity. Remember: this is work, work on yourself and on relationships.
Negative emotions to all small children.
Plunge into childhood again. The emerging statement "I hate other people's children" is akin to "I was not allowed to do that." These are permanent bans at a tender age, training to treat strangers with a negative, rejection of a stranger in general, that is, the lack of a banal openness to the world around us, which is formed in childhood. Opinion "I hate screaming children" also from childhood. This is tired of screaming, or, conversely, a consequence of the fact that the family was a condemnation of such a child's behavior. In general, you need to relax and begin to live, breathe deeply. Look at the Greeks - the words “I hate little children” are alien to them. If in a cafe or other public place someone else’s child is capricious, others will not express their displeasure in any way. On the contrary, everyone will rush to him, will console him, take him in his arms, throw him up and smile. The main thing is to smile.
The path to love
Any well-established emotion that develops into a feeling can not pass by itself, without a trace. Its manifestations need to be adjusted, engage in the development of opposing skills. After a long fruitful work, you can already forget that it occupied most of the manifestations of the personality. So it is with hatred: first you need to take certain steps to eradicate it from behavior and thoughts.
It is important to be positive. Hate always comes after frustration, envy, or pride. This is a terrible vices, which are condemned in many religions and is written in the Bible as sins. For education a positive you can try to play the game "Good". She is that person in any situation looking for a reason to celebrate. For example, noisy children playing in the room – well, they are healthy and can be active and exciting. The rain on the street – well, lay the dust on roads and watered the flowers. And similar examples. Of course, this "good" you need to look with the mind, and these noisy children and noses to break can afford. And then not all will be so rosy.
We saw that positive attitudes are important. What else needs to be done to overcome hatred? Try to expand the vector of emotions to this person: instead of destructive actions, you need to do good to him. This is any kind of help or conversation with the aim of building relationships. With a child, it is even easier to do than with an adult. Children often need our help, and this is a great opportunity to express themselves and transfer from their sad thoughts to the needs and requirements of a small person.
Many experts have noticed, when a person begins to think about others and do good things, he becomes happier. Learn about the needs of the child to whom you experience hatred, learn his inner world, and you will see how much beauty there is. Then the word "I hate children" is unlikely to apply to you. Every person in our life teaches us something, no exception - and children. Perhaps it is in relationships with a child that you learn to love and become a happy person.